| is it just me? |
[28 Jul 2005|11:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
i dont know if im the only one that experiences this but on some days, i feel so fucking fat and disgusting but on others i feel okay about my weight. like last night for instance, i couldnt stand looking at myself in the mirror. i would look at my body at every possible angle to see if its just my mind playing a cruel joke on me. i just got so depressed that i went to bed early and felt sorry for myself. but today as i type away on the computer, i glanced to my right where my body-length mirror is at and felt okay with the way i look. funny how this stupid ED has gotten so bad that i cant even look at myself the same way anymore; its like i have good days and bad days with this ED.
i cant wait to get back to school so i can hit the school gym; i want to get my body in shape so come winterbreak i'll look be at my best looks wise.
|
|
|
[19 Mar 2005|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
i know i said that i was going to switch to writing in a book/journal but i left my book at school and i dont go back to school till tomorrow morning. anyways, im deathly afraid of getting on my scale because i know for certain that i have gained like 5 lbs. that means i will have to work twice as hard to lose that on top of losing 15 lbs to meet my long term goal by summer time. so thats little over a month to get to my goal.
yet again, i am fasting, nothing but water and coffee to get me through the day. i cannot allow any food in my body, i cant keep this charade of losing and gaining and losing and gaining weight. plus, i have to stop bingeing and purging. thats what i've been doing all week, im afraid that i clogged the toilet.
|
|
|
[18 Mar 2005|10:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
i hate the feeling of being fat. i am eating too much, maybe because im a little stressed out from last night. my sister got in a car accident, she's fine now but still in pain. her accident scared the living shit out of me. couldnt eat but then this morning i ate a whole days worth in food in like 20 minutes flat. now, im just drinking water for the rest of the day and the week for that matter. sometimes i dont like being home because i always overeat. i hate when my stomach sticks out like a sore thumb. i cant work out because i have no car to take me to the park to play tennis. when i go back to school, i have a little bit over a month to lose 15 lbs. i think i can do it. or i should say that i know i can do it.
|
|
|
[17 Mar 2005|01:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full |
] |
went out last night, had a pretty good time with my best friend, the one that i confessed my "problem" to. she was very understanding, i really didnt want to talk about it but i guess its better to clear the air now about it then later on. at least she is very understanding of it since she used to have it but recovered. but then again, it looks like she is doing it again because she told me she lost 3 lbs. before, we sort of had a competition to see who could lose the most weight and she said that then she only had lost like 1 lb so to go from losing 1 lb in a month to 3 lbs in like a week or 2 is sort of odd i suppose.
anyways, last night, i picked up my friend and we went to starbucks and sat and talked; we talked about my "problem" and so forth. then had 2 older guys looking at us the whole time, actually they were more or less gawking at us. one of them was pretty handsome but had to be at least 30 y/o. we walked out and one of them said something to us, couldnt quite make out what they said but continued on our way. i was really curious to know if they had some interest in us so i had my friend go back and see what they wanted; actually we both went in and bought another coffee. sat there and waited for them to say something to us. then another guy comes but and starts talking to me. kind of cute but not my type. talked and talked, got on the subject of religion which i hate talking about so that kind of turned me off. later, we drove around and went to applebees cause i was starving considering the fact that i did have dinner but purged it up. i ordered the veggie patch pizza and my friend ordered the onion peels which she didnt finished. i really have the serious notion that she is starving herself again. i wish that wasnt the case cause now it seems like i have competition. i am sort of mad cause ana/mia was something that i had and now it looks like i have to share it.
on to today; well actually i forgot to mention that late last night i had some hunkering for donuts and got them, had 3 and tried to purge, didnt work so i went to bed pissed. then this morning i tried to eat some pecan raisin rolls but ended up eating just 2, attempted to purge again but ended to no avail. threw the food away so i wouldnt be tempted to eat any of it later on. so then i told myself i would fast today but of course it did not work. i think i am not meant for fasting, my love affair with food is to strong of a bond to break. so i snacked on stuff for a bit and then made lunch of chicken and mashed potatoes. before i ate, i prayed to god so that i would have a successful purge; and a successful purge it was. i think thats my new thing new, if i eat then i will pray to god, not like real god but to a higher being, to help to purge.
i think i am going to switch to writing more personally on paper so that 10 years from now, recoverd or not, i will be able to look back and see if i changed or not.
|
|
|
[17 Mar 2005|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
i fucked up on my fast already, i was doing so well until dinner. oh yeah, a couple hours before i had like 8 cookies which i attempted to purge but only got half up. i purged up most of dinner which was a sub and then i had a late night rendezvous of eating with my best friend. didnt purge that up but didnt want to either, oh yea, earlier we had starbucks, i had two tall coffees with nonfat milk and tons of splenda. really need to cut back on the splenda. anyways, before i came home i had went to walmart and bought 6 donuts and these raisin cinnamon roll things. my plan was to munch on few donuts and purge them up but was unable to. lately, i am finding it ever more difficult throwing up. maybe because most of the time i am throwing junk food instead of real food. all in all, i am a fucking failure. i keep wasting my money on food i shouldnt be eating in the first place. i think i will throw the food out tomorrow, i know its stupid to throw good food out but i have to stick to this fast. the only way to keep me from eating is to throw the food out, i just cant believe i wasted my money on that shit. i am so pissed off, i should have drove straight home and be done with that. i really hate throwing out food but i have to or else i will end up eating it and im not even going to bother to binge and purge anymore because i have gotten to the point where my body isnt going to let me. i am going to go back to ana, i feel more accomplished with ana than mia. mia is being difficult with me and i dont like it. fuck being mia, its not getting me anywhere. okay so now im re-doing my fast which officially started at midnight and will going on until i lose 5 lbs, so i guess thats like a week. hopefully i can make it. i will post new goals next time i update.
|
|
|
[15 Mar 2005|11:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Disturbed |
] |
yesterday was a blah day for me, i think i already posted what i did yesterday but oh well i am going to post it again. i binged and purged alot, i even purged my dinner. after that i had lots and lots of candy, i really wanted to go play tennis last night but my mom was scared of me going alone to do so. kind of got upset so i am making it up by fasting for the next couple of days. so intially my fast started last night at 9 and since then, all i've had was water and a sip of coffee with creamer and sugar. i hate the taste of sugar, i havent had real sugar in such a long time but thats the only type around my house. i miss my splenda even if it does have calories in it.
i finally finished the book wasted, great book and found it to be inspirational. i cant believe she ate as little as she did, i mean i can barely fast for a day but she did it for months. i think it further motivated me to eat as little as possible; but for now, i am fasting until i feel confortable eating again. i think i will break my fast once i get down to under 100 lbs. i am a mere 10 lbs from attaining that goal but it still seems like a lot to accomplish. the weird thing is that i have a strange feeling that my mom is starving herself. i barely see her eat nowadays plus she is giving me tips on how to diet. i think she is looking at my sister admirably and wishing to be that thin again. my younger sister seems to influencing us a lot, kind of weird though for a younger sister to have that affect on you.
anyways, i think i am going to start reading the other book i have called stick figure. i want to start some of it now before my sister comes home from school. dont want her knowing my dark secret. hopefully i will finish that book by tomorrow night. mainly because then i can get going on reading my other textbooks.
i hope i can make it through my fast, i really want to be 95 lbs, i am craving it so badly. after i go back to school, i am going to restrict and exercise like nobodys business. the next time i am going home is for summer and that is when i want people to take notice of all the weight i lost or will lose for that matter. i want to rub it in my sisters face that she wont be on the only ghastly thin one in this family. i want to show off to my ex-friends that i havent seen in months. we had a falling out, mainly because she is a bitch but anywho i want to surprise people with my new look. i will lose weight, i know i will and can do it. my mind is so focused now.
|
|
|
[14 Mar 2005|08:50pm] |
|
i ate a lot today. i also purged a lot today; i purged at least 3 or 4 times to day which is a first for me. then i had dinner, it was so freaking delicious but of course i purged it up because i felt so guilty eating. afterwards, i binged on candy and crackers. i ate 3/4 of a package of crackers, i guess im getting all my urges to eat out because from now on i am going on a strict water, greent tea, and coffee fast. i think i will do this until saturday, thats when i go back to school. im excited to back to school because then i will have access to a gym. lifting weights and the ball is not really motivating me. i might go running tonight, but its a little late for that i think. oh well, i think this is it for my post tonight.
|
|
|
[13 Mar 2005|09:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
we got more bounce in california |
] |
i have gained 3 lbs in 2 days, being home, i always get the urge to overeat. tomorrow will be different though, i am going to stick to an all fruit diet. i will only put only water and food in my body. hopefully i will lose a couple lbs before i start school again. i got 2 books on ana and hopefully that will motivate me to lose weight. since i dont have access to a gym, i have to find other ways to get my exercise. i could go running but i hate running. maybe i can play some wall ball or something, just anything that will get my heartrate moving again.
i am so sick of being fat, my stomach is sticking out so much and its really pissing me off. i just need to think positively and stick to my diet/exercise/fasts.
|
|
|
[12 Mar 2005|09:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
so after an unsuccessful 2 days of dieting, i am a lb above my weight loss target. i guess i am not entirely too mad, i did work out alot yesterday, burned a total of 800 calories but probably consumed that much in candy and junk food. now i am just waiting for my mom to call to tell me when she is going to pick me up to go home. i would call but i dont want to make it seem like im over-anxious to come home which i am lol. i just need a change a scenery. college life is great but it greats tiresome after a while. hopefully i can get some shit accomplished this break. i think i am going to eat a lot healthier than i was before, only fruits and veggies all next week and maybe i'll let myself splurge on one day so as i dont binge later. hopefully i can get down to under 100 lbs by the time i get back to school. so basically i have to lose like 1 lb a day which isnt too bad. the worst part is that i wont have access to a gym so i have to find other activities to burn calories, maybe i'll take up tennis or something or even basketball since i have a hoop at home. i just know that i wont gain any the weight that i worked so damn hard to lose. i will get through this, i just know i can.
after SB, i have like less than 2 months to get my body into shape for the summer, thats the most important thing to me lol. SB is just a week long event where as summer is 4 months long so i absolutely have to get into bikini body mode. i will have abs and toned arms and thinner thighs and tight butt. i think my dream body is to have gisele's body, she has such nice abs and arms.
|
|
|
[10 Mar 2005|09:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
i know i am not going to make my first weight goal. i am been doing horrible in my dieting, or what i see as dieting. im sure other people think its normal to eating the portions i oo but i think or more like i know i am overeating. after i eat, i feel so disgusted so my first reaction is to go hurry up and purge. but i just cant do that. i have to plan purging ahead of time because after one of my b/p episodes i take a shower and purge in there, its more safe to do that. but i really really need to stop doing that.
anywaya, i go home soon, i am very excited and nervous. i wonder if anyone will notice my weight loss, i really hope they do. when i go home, i am going to do a mini makeover for myself to boost my confidence. i will dye my hair like a honey blonde or a really light brown and try to continue to work out. i think i will just play tennis everyday to make sure i dont gain any weight that i worked so hard to lose. so far, i have lost like 10 lbs in 2 months which is kind of pathetic. i need to learn how to stick to my diet and exercise. i know that when i get back i will definitely eat a lot healthier, the only bad stuff i will allow myself is starbucks but of course i will try to keep that as healthy as i can.
my goal for saturday morning is to be under 105 lbs. right now i am at 107 lbs so i am confident i will make that goal.
hoepfully my scale hasnt been lying to me about how much i weight, that would just make me even more depressed about my current weight.
hopefully tonight i will finish my paper and then i can finally relax. but wait, i have to do a stupid presentation tomorrow for my paper and i have yet to get a picture. oh well i have all day today to get all the compoonents of my paper done and then i will be easily sailing after this.
|
|
|
[08 Mar 2005|09:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Britney Spears |
] |
okay so yesterday i finally got down to 107 lbs, i was feeling fucking fantastic until later that night, i knew i should have just gone to bed but no. my suitemate wanted me to go to ben and jerrys with her, i said no but then she said that she was going to buy me ice cream, how can i say no to that? so i had a sugar cone with dublin mudslide ice cream, i am so mad at myself for consuming something as fattening as that. not only did i eat that, i had a late night binge on breakfast. i had a egg, bacon and cheese biscuit, biscuit with some gravy, cereal, bacon, and eggs. goddamnit! i was at my lowest weight and i blew it. now i am at 108.5 lbs, i think its mostly water weight though cause i just went to the gym and consumed most of a orange powerage. so all in all i've had probably no more than 100 calories and of course that number is exaggerated. i am continue to fast all week, and this time i am going to make it a strict water fast. i am so desperate to get down to under 100 lbs by saturday morning cause thats when my mom comes to pick me up to go home for SB. this time around, i will absolutely not eat, i cant afford to keep gaining weight anymore. since i will go on this strict water fast, i am not going to the gym because i fear passing out. that would be quite embarassing if that happened to me. i will just do my crunches and stretches.
if i feel like eating then i will just remind myself that SB is coming up and i need to look good in a bathing suit. besides, i need to get focus on writing my paper that is due on friday. i have written 1/3 of a page of a six page paper; quite pathetic i'd say.
i got to stay strong and think thin.
|
|
| should be working on my paper but... |
[06 Mar 2005|02:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
i dont feel like it. i have a massive headache and i am not up to working on my paper or studying. i would mind going back to sleep but i did that shit yesterday. maybe i will go to the library for a few hours and get some books and articles so as i can start my paper. its so easy for me to study at the library but for trying to write a paper, its nearly impossible, i find it best typing in my room.
my diet is out of control, i dont understand how last night that after i b/p i had a whole bag a skittles. and it was a king size bag of skittles. i dont get it. now i weight like 107 lbs. i know i shouldnt had that bag of skittles, i mean i was in bed and my body just didnt need it. oh yeah, i had a 3 sugar free lemon cookies. lately it seems like i have been just eating even when i am not hungry. i have become a mindless eater, i totally fucked up my eating patterns with all this b/p. i kept telling myself to stop but i just cant seem to stop. its becoming so addicting and like a part of my life right now.
well i really need to get to the library, i have to get this paper done by friday. hopefully i wont be tempted to get anything from starbucks. most likely i will back on later ranting on how much of a fucking pig i am and how i have no self-control.
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2005|08:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jennifer Lopez |
] |
damn, i hate eating dinner. me being around my suitemate is compelling me to overeat, thank god i was able to purge the majority of it up. then afterwards i had half a bag of skittles. i think i need to stop eating so much and indulging in cravings.
anyways...on to something non-ed related:
i really cant stop thinking about my crush, i am seeing more and more often and i have even gotten my suitemates to have a look out for him everytime he comes in the hall, its so pathetic. i wish i had enough nerve to say something to him. i wish i was less self-conscious and more outgoing, i hate being so damn shy at times. i wouldnt mind just being his friend but my insecurities are holding me back from speaking a word to him. i dont know, i think i am just making excuses not to like him anymore, i dont want to get my hopes up with him. i act so childish when it comes down to having a relationship with the opposite sex, i make and break a lot of the relationships i had been in. but technically i have yet to be in a relationship, and im 19 to boot. maybe after i lose the 10 lbs and get more tone i will have more confidence to talk to him. or maybe i will just have to get a mini-makeover done to boost my self-esteem, not just for him but for myself as well. if i feel good then thats all that matters. i will just get my hair colored and cut, find some new school clothes and work on being less shy around people, yeah thats it, thats what i'll do. so when i come back to school after SB is over, maybe i'll catch his eye. thats all i want, is for him to give me some sort of recognition of my existence. ahhh!!!! boys are so damn confusing.
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2005|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
so today wasnt all too bad. i went to the gym and probably burned off like 700 calories. I spent a good 65 minutes on the elliptial machine and worked out my scrawny things you call arms. i wished i would have stayed longer but i dont want to over-exert myself with exercising. the day before i did 2 hours on the elliptical and burned like 1200 calories but of cours that went to hell cause i had dinner. anyways on with today, i had a white pizza, not the whole thing but most of it, half of a grilled cheese sandwich, and some shrimp stuff with rice. i decided to be bad and have a soft serve ice cream cone. so all in all, i probably consumed like 1000 calories. i was so attempted to purge it all up but i stopped myself from doing so. so i guess i am technically at +300 calories. its horrible i know but i cant do anything about it know. at least i didnt eat as much as a i really wanted to though.
right now i am 108 lbs so probably tonight i will half a lb less, i hope. my goal was to be 107 lbs but being a half a pound over isnt too bad. also i have decided not to weight myself as often. its too depressing seeing the numbers go up and down, i think that leads me to overeat at times cause when i actually lose a lb, i am so amped and think that eating a little bit wont hurt so now i will only weigh myself on 2 times a day, it is still a lot but its better than before when i would do it like 10 times a day.
so its 3 now, hopefully i wont get the urge again for the rest of the day. dinner time usually kills me but i will just keep my mind off of it. instead i'll just talk a walk around campus or something. or maybe i should get back on track with studying lol.
|
|
|
[04 Mar 2005|07:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
This week has been quite hectic but I guess thats what I get for deciding to go to college. Anyways, I had a healthy lunch, all I had was some pineapples,cantaloupe and some honeydew. Instead of getting water like I usually do, I got 2% milk because I heard it can stimulate weight loss but also I drank it for bowel reasons. I know it sounds disgusting but its the truth lol. I was doing so well until I had to go to my math class, I stopped by one of eating areas and got a rice krispies treat and a king size snickers bar! WTF?! I don't know what got into me, I did not need to put that disgusting shit in my body. On top of that, I got my math test back and I didn't do as good as I thought I did. At the point, I became so utterly frustrated with myself so I decided to channel all that angry and frustration at the gym and boy, did it help.
At the gym, instead of staying the usual half an hour, I was there for 2 hours! I am so proud of myself, I was able to burn off 1295 calories on the elliptical machine. So all in all, I burned off everything that I ate today. The worst part is that now I have a massive headache. I think its from the workout or that I did not get enough water in my system. I hope there isn't any deeper meaning to these headaches cause I read from another site of all these people dying from electrolyte imbalance. I am so afraid that will happen to me, to go to sleep and not be able to wake up. What would help me to combat that is to just drink some gatorade or have a banana. But gatorade has so many calories, I think I should get one anyways cause I don't want to die. I just want to be thin.
Now, I finally got to down to 107.5 lbs, so I need to lose another .5 lb by tomorrow night. I think I can do it. After that, I just need to lose about 1 lb a day till I go home for SB. I am elated to be going home. Maybe I will feel a little less sick and more motivated to lose the last stubborn 5 lbs to meet my LTG.
EDIT:
I gained back 2 lbs because I decided to have dinner. I have no will whatsoever. Tomorrow I am going to hit the gym at 10 and stay for at least 2 hours like I did today. Afterwards, I will just focus getting my paper done and study. No eating whatsoever tomorrow. I can't afford to keep losing and gaining weight.
|
|
|
[03 Mar 2005|08:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
I really have no control over my eating habits now. I have been unable to keep myself from binging and purging for the past week. I was supposed to stick to my fast today but it ended to no avail. I have just gotten so comfortable with just eating loads amount of food and purging it up in the shower. I need to stop doing that cause I might actually clog the shower drain. Then that’s a whole lot of mess I do not want to get myself into.
I guess I can shoot for starting my fast over again, but who knows, I might fuck up on it again. For now, and for my sake, I will yet again try at another fast. This one is going to start at 5 pm, so at least I kept myself from eating for 30 minutes lol.
Its kind of funny, I didn’t binge as bad as I usually do. I probably had about 1200 calories which of course I am exaggerating. But I never seem to just eat healthy, I should have just a whole bunch of pineapples and fruit but no, I just had to binge and purge like the pathetic loser that I am. It doesn’t seem like this endless cycle I have with my eating is never going to let up.
Tomorrow I am going to the gym and try to get something accomplished. I really should buy one of those sugar free redbulls because they always get me hyper and I need something like that in my something to get me going. I always feel like I am going to pass out after 30 minutes on the elliptical. I just need to get my ass into gear and stay at the gym for at least a good solid hour just working out.
My goal is to lose at least 2 lbs by Saturday night. That will bring my weight down to 107 lbs if all goes well. I need to stop eating and just stick to water. If I lose those 2 lbs and get down to 107, then that only means that I only will need to lose 1 lb a day till next sat., piece of cake right? Damn, I hate having no willpower against food and so forth. I really need to get down to 100 lbs.
Its weird, I have lost like 10 lbs but I don't see any real physical change, maybe thats a result of having a poor image of myself. I view myself so horribly, sometimes I wonder why I deserve to live. I mean, do I deserve to live? What is the point of my existence in this world. Maybe my mind will be more clear once I lose the weight and go home for spring break. At least I get to relax a little bit, although I am going to spend the majority of my time studying and getting my shit together. I just need a change of scenery to get my mojo moving again. I just don't feel motivated to do anything or go anywhere anymore.
As for my social life, I am getting sick and tired of my roomie breathing down my back. She is driving me crazy, I need to get away from her. Also, my love life hasn't improve by any means, I still have a crush on that one guy down the hall but that will forever be a crush. I don't deserve a guy like him; I mean I have nothing to offer him. He deserves someone with beauty, brains and heart and I have neither of those in mass quantity. I hate myself for being so ugly and so fat and so stupid. I just overall hate the person I am and am waiting the day that I become the person I have always dreamed of being.
If I ever do meet my STG, I will work twice as hard to meet my LTG of 95 lbs. Hopefully at that point in my life I will be more studious and more decent looking and thinner.
Sometimes I wonder if I will snap out of this phase I am going through. I hate to say that I am going through a phase cause I am making it seem like I chose to do what I am doing to myself. I did not decide this, some evil person wished it upon me to hate who I am and now I have to take drastic measures to prove him wrong. Okay, I am all typed out for now but I probably will be back on later ranting on how much I suck and how much of a failure I am.
|
|
| stress, stress, and more stress |
[03 Mar 2005|10:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
i am going to spend half of a full day in the LIB working on my five page paper that is due tomorrow. technically it really isnt due tomorrow since only half of the class is presenting. i am not going to present because i have nothing, well i have something but i dont know if i can write a five page paper out of it. i hope i can get something done today.
as for the fasting, its definitely not working out like i planned. last night at around 11, my head was killing, i think it might have been from the purging or me just getting sick because my roomie is sick. i hope its the latter, everytime i am sick i dont feel like eating and me not eating is a good thing. so yet again i have to start my fast over, so technically i started at 12 am this morning and lets see how i far i can get today. well at least i am at 108.5 lbs today. lets hope that i can get down a pound by tonight. i really need and want to lose weight by next weekend. i want it more than anything. i dont know if i should make it a strict fast of just water or a liquid fast. i want to lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time but then i dont want to gain it all back when i get back to eating. plus i am dying to have a starbucks iced cafe latte. those things are so freaking delicious and it will help me stay away. maybe i will even consider getting a coffe frap. but i dont know, i told myself that i am going to stop wasting money on food that i dont need to put in my body. okay its decided, i will only have flavored water which has 0 calories in it, that water is so good! i am dying to have one now cause it seems like my headache has creeped back on me.
|
|
|
[01 Mar 2005|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
whoa...
mia is taking over and kicking ana out on the streets. today i was unable to abstain myself from eating; i ended up having a big lunch and purging it all up and then for dinner, well for dinner i was doing great. all i had was a salad, some crackers, and a big bowl of soup. and then i saw someone walk past me with a waffle on her plate. i am such a waffle addict, i havent had it in such a long time so i thought to myself, i did good so far for dinner so why not splurge a little bit. i ate 3/4 of a big waffle, by the time i got back to my room i felt so nauseated with myself. i decided to go purge it up. i cant believe i am falling back in the b/p cycle. i have to stop doing that, its becoming too addicting and easy for me to purge. if i keep going at this rate, i will just maintain my weight now and not be able to lose any. my plan is to stick to ana till i get down to my goal weight and then have mia help me maintain it. i want to fast but cant for many reasons, mainly because i dont want to fuck up my metabolism and i have no will against food.
tomorrow i have a math exam so i have to eat so as i can focus. i think i am just going to have some 94% fat free popcorn which has only 110 calories. and afterwards, i will have a venti ice cafe latte with nonfat milk cause thats only like 130 calories. so thats a total of 240 calories i will allow myself. i will try to keep my caloric intake under 300 calories; as for the weekends, i will fast. i think it will be alot easier for me to fast on the weekend.
|
|
|
[01 Mar 2005|01:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
i was going to go eat and then purge but decided against it because i am desperate to lose weight. i already consumed 70 calories today, i dont need to consume anymore; i shouldnt have had that latte because today i was fasting but i guess i dont feel as bad because its a liquid. so typing on the computer is my way of not eating. i want to eat so bad but not as bad as i want to lose weight. its only 1 and i want to eat, i dont know how i will get through the rest of the day. usually by dinner time i get so hungry, i think i will just jump in the shower to keep my mind off eating. i have to keep this fast up, i just have to remember that i will be able to eat tomorrow.
tomorrow, all i am going to have is a slice of low carb bread which has 40 calories and some fruit. i might feel bloated after the fruit but i need to keep in mind that its just negative food calories. as long as its all under 200-300 calories than i'll be fine. i can get through this, i can and i will.
on another note, i confessed to my best friend that i have been extreme dieting and b/p for the past couple of weeks. she didnt yell at me but her tone of voice gave me the indication that she was upset. she knows that whatever she tells me is not going to make suddenly stop. but the weird thing was that i got the feeling that she is going to go back to her old ways of restricting and exercising alot. i mean, she needs to lose some weight but i feel weird that she is going to do that again. i am kind of upset, more like jealous that she is going to restrict or become ana. ana was something that i had and now i have to share it. i know, i sound stupid but i know you guys know where i am coming from. i feel relieved that i told someone because i hated keeping it inside but now i really and truly regret it. i dont know, i am going through so many emotions right now. in a way, she sort of betrayed me because she kept telling me the bad stuff that will happen to me if i continue this bout with ana and now she is going to turn around and go back on her word? that is just some shady shit right there. now its like i am competing with her; from now on i am not going to talk to her about any of this anymore. our conversations will be only be about school/work and etc., i will refuse to talk about ana to her so i can protect myself from feeling cheated or jealous and so forth.
|
|
|
[27 Feb 2005|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
irate |
] |
I fucked up already; I ate and ate till my belly hurt. I can't believe I just ate like that. I am going to bed weighing in at 110 lbs. I made my goal even harder to reach. I just don't believe what I just did to myself; I told myself that I wasn't going to eat anymore but I did anyways.
So yeah, I am going to punish myself by eating every other day; on the days that I do eat I will keep it under 200 calories and even though it will just be some fruit or something. Hopefully with my exams coming up and paper that is due this Friday, it will help me keep busy for awhile. I will keep myself busy by either studying, working on my paper, or just going outside and smoke. Smoking leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth that it makes me not want to put any food in my mouth.
This is it, if I can make it the whole day tomorrow without eating then I'll be fine, I will be just fine. This is easy, I know I can do it, I just have to stay strong and stay focused.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pink_muse's journal